December 14, 2020
By Larry Keane
Dear Santa: I've got just one small Christmas wish this year. Please don't drag "woke" politics into the holiday season and end up being the Grinch instead of jolly ol’ Saint Nick.
It’s been a rough year and 2020 doesn’t need any more of it. School was canceled for most kids. Government authorities said Halloween would be a real-life super-spreader nightmare. Thanksgiving saw families gather over Zoom chats so Grandma could see the babies. For the love of reindeer, cut it out.
It was funny, Santa, when you played a role in "A Christmas Story," telling Ralphie Parker he would shoot his eye out with the toy he wanted so much. You remember, right? It was the "official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time."
Not the Real Santa
Those Christmas memories are great. But that's not what you did this year for the poor kid at an Illinois mall. All he wanted was a Nerf gun. The nerve of the kid who just wants to be a kid, wants to believe in Santa and doesn't understand that Santa's been bought off by the gun-control lobby.
It was a heartbreaking scene, caught on video and spread like wildfire on Twitter. A young boy sat across from Santa, appropriately socially distanced.
Clearly nervous, he worked up the nerve to tell Santa what he really wanted was a Nerf gun. That's right, a toy. He didn't ask for a bazooka. Not one of those crazy AR-14's that President-Elect Joe Biden said his administration won't confiscate.
He asked for a toy that harmlessly launches foam cylinders. Woke Santa wasn't having it.
"No guns," Santa told the boy. "Nope. Not even a Nerf gun."
The boy's shock was palpable. He turned his astonished face back toward his mother. He couldn't believe what he heard. Santa might as well have been wearing a "Santas Demand Action" T-shirt.
"Nope. If your dad wants to get it for you that's fine, but I can't bring it to you. What else would you like? There's lots of other toys — there's Legos, bicycles, there's cars and trucks. What do you think?”
Good thing the kid didn't ask for a claymore mine, or in a throwback to when Saturday Night Live was funny, Irwin Mainway’s "Johnny Switchblade Adventure Punk," or "Bag 'O Glass."
He sent the lad into tears, with his mother reassuring him that "You'll still get it." Since the boy and his mom never got to answer, here's what we think.
Political correctness is has gone too far. It's traveled from the Washington D.C. swamps to the frigid Arctic air of the North Pole. It's infected Kris Kringle and next thing you know, Santa will be demanding the kids leave out nonfat soy milk and vegan snack bites in lieu of milk-and-cookies. That will fit right in with Santa's new lunar-powered sleigh that doesn't exploit animal labor as he whisks from rooftop-to-rooftop wearing his eco-friendly sourced plant-based red and white fleece outfit.
This is as ridiculous as when the PC police confiscated Elmer Fudd's gun but said it was less violent for him to chase ducks and rabbits with a scythe. It's no better than the time a 7-year-old was suspended for allegedly chewing his Pop-Tart into the shape of a handgun. Thank goodness the school board spent the money to defend that decision before a Maryland Circuit Court judge. What's next, will we kick Idaho out of the Union for their state lines roughly resembling a pistol?
The Illinois mall Santa resigned before he could be put on the Naughty List. Not to worry. He wasn't the real Santa (he is, however, getting lumps of coal in his stocking). The real Santa made an early delivery at the boy's house. He got his gift-wrapped Nerf gun.
As far as we know, Yukon Cornelius still carries his revolver.