'Fishy' New Year's Resolutions

'Fishy' New Year's Resolutions
If he sticks to his resolutions, making homemade stinkbait in his wife's kitchen blender will be a thing of the past for Catfish Sutton. (Theresa Sutton photo)

It’s that time of year again — time to write down a list of New Year’s resolutions. Most years, I’ve forgotten my resolutions before the first bass are spawning in the shallows. But 2015 will be different. You see, I have discovered the key to success in the resolution department: Lowered Expectations.

I know now that in years past, I’ve always given up because I set my sights too high. Therefore, this year, I will aspire to lesser heights. I have picked goals I can more reasonably expect to attain, as you will see in the list that follows.

1. I resolve not to prepare Catfish Sutton’s Super Secret Stinkbait using my wife’s kitchen blender. Or her new Tupperware.

2. And while we’re talking about bait, I also resolve not to use the toilet in the guest room as a live bait tank.


3. I resolve to improve my fishing skills by using only the best equipment available to outdoorsmen, sparing no expense.


4. Because I never have enough money to buy the fishing equipment mentioned in Resolution #3, I resolve to get free “evaluation models” from the manufacturers by shamelessly selling out my journalistic integrity via this column.

5. I will not sleep while waiting for fish to bite … not every day.

6. Attention Ranger Boats. Would you guys like a nice, impartial review of your new 2080VS Angler? How ‘bout the 1680 Deep V? I mean, otherwise I'll have to get in touch with the folks over at Skeeter or Tracker.

7. I resolve that when my fishing companions drag me out for an evening at a strip bar, I’ll stop pretending to be Bill Dance so I can get free lap dances.

8. At camp, no more cabbage or Beanie Weenies before bedtime.

9. I won’t store night crawlers, mealworms or leeches in the fridge at home unless the container is properly marked and hermetically sealed. And if I happen to forget that I left a cage full of crickets in the back seat of my wife’s car, and I also forgot to pull the little string handle up so the crickets wouldn’t crawl up it and escape, I will not tell my wife that crickets singing from under the car seats sound a darn sight better than that Alan Jackson crap she listens to on the radio. Because she might hurt me. Again.

10. I resolve not to throw rocks or cast Jitterbugs at those teeny boppers roaring past my fishing hole on their PERSONAL WATER CRAFT, even though they’ve nearly capsized my johnboat 23 times in the past 45 minutes. Not that I'm counting or anything.

11. How ‘bout you guys over at Abu Garcia? I’m sure I could give a good review of your Morrum ZX baitcasting reel as long as I have a chance to give it a thorough, on-the-water evaluation.

12. I resolve to inform my friends before they eat if gar fillets have been substituted for trout when I cook a shore lunch. And I won’t use grinnel, carp or mudcats in the chowder ever again. Hardly ever.

15. I WILL NOT pack Junnie’s Wicked Sticky Catfish Sewer Bait in my carry-on luggage.

16. I resolve not to hide the Victoria's Secret catalog in my tackle box, even though the one and only reason me and my buddies even look at the Victoria’s Secret catalog is to discuss the pros and cons of this year’s intimate fashion trends.

17. Finally, and I mean this most sincerely, I resolve to be a better person, to accept all people, to strive for world peace and work to make the world a better place even if it is full of nitwits. (One last chance, Ranger. E-mail me.)

Happy New Year, friends. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

GET THE NEWSLETTER Join the List and Never Miss a Thing.

Recommended Articles

See More Recommendations

Popular Videos

Abu Garcia Virtual Rod with Bluetooth

Abu Garcia Virtual Rod with Bluetooth

Pure Fishing's Andrew Wheeler tells Outdoor Sportsman Group writer Lynn Burkhead all about the brand new Abu Garcia Virtual rod that integrates Bluetooth technology through a free ANGLR smartphone app.

As KVD tells OSG's Lynn Burkhead, innovative Humminbird products and cutting-edge technology like that found in the new Mega 360 Imaging sonar are major reasons contributing to his unparalleled success.

Mustad Skatter Shad Bladed Jig

Mustad Skatter Shad Bladed Jig

As Mustad continues to expand into an all-around tackle company, Reid McKinstry shows off some innovative features that make the Mustad Skatter Shad bladed jig a winner in big bass waters.

Lowrance Enters Trolling-Motor Market with Ghost

Lowrance Enters Trolling-Motor Market with Ghost

Lowrance's Lucas Steward shows OSG's Lynn Burkhead what all of the fuss is about in the brand new Ghost trolling motor being brought to market by the Tulsa, Okla.-based fishing equipment manufacturer.

See More Popular Videos

Trending Articles

Experts agree record channel cat caught in 1949 was actually a blue catfish. Records

Upon Further Review: 70-Year-Old Catfish Record Voided

G&F Online Staff - May 22, 2019

Experts agree record channel cat caught in 1949 was actually a blue catfish.

As most catfish anglers know, blue cats, channel cats and flatheads will eat darn near anything that fits in their mouths. Catfish

5 Ways To Catch Catfish on Lures

Keith Sutton - September 16, 2015

As most catfish anglers know, blue cats, channel cats and flatheads will eat darn near...

From Monksville Reservoir to Union Lake, plus five other picks, here's where you'll find the Garden State's hottest bass fishing. Destinations

7 Best Bets for New Jersey Bass

J.B. Kasper - October 04, 2010

From Monksville Reservoir to Union Lake, plus five other picks, here's where you'll find the...

Dozens of different bait types are commonly used for catfish, including these great options. Catfish

12 Great Catfish Baits

Jeff Samsel

Dozens of different bait types are commonly used for catfish, including these great options.

See More Trending Articles

More Fishing

Visit the under-pressured islands of Bimini for great flats action. Fishing

Bucket List: Bonefishing the Bimini Flats

Larry Larsen - January 30, 2020

Visit the under-pressured islands of Bimini for great flats action.

In debut of new video series, Dr. Todd A. Kuhn discusses how to use soft-plastic lures for bass. Beyond the Bait

Beyond the Bait Powered by Streamlight: Soft Plastics

Game & Fish Digital Staff - February 11, 2020

Sponsored By
Streamlight
The Major League Fishing pro talks about huge spotted bass, including his world record. Bass

5 Questions with Bass Pro Cody Meyer

Mason Prince - February 10, 2020

The Major League Fishing pro talks about huge spotted bass, including his world record.

Catching winter walleyes often requires mobility and a willingness to adjust tactics. Other Freshwater

Hardwater Handbook: Ice-Fishing Adaptations

Mark Romanack - January 28, 2020

Catching winter walleyes often requires mobility and a willingness to adjust tactics.

See More Fishing

GET THE MAGAZINE Subscribe & Save

Digital Now Included!

SUBSCRIBE NOW

Give a Gift   |   Subscriber Services

PREVIEW THIS MONTH'S ISSUE

GET THE NEWSLETTER Join the List and Never Miss a Thing.